So there are so many issues here, lets just take them one at a time.

Lets first talk about the writing itself. We LOVE how the media portrays religious authority and human rights organizations as being opponents. The very idea that you can be both religious and support basic human rights seems to be an alien concept to the masses of the world, and yet they forget that it wasn’t the secular humanists who championed human rights, but the religious institutions that first asked how do we respect and guard human life and dignity? The secular social Darwinists would have been happy to let us all rot; because we are all animals after all and only the strong should survive!! So we take umbrage at the whole tone of this article.

That not withstanding lets look at content. Should children be married off? Absolutely not!! In even the most rural of villages, girls aren’t considered marriageable until after they begin to menstruate and even then (in most cases) the prevailing wisdom is to wait for a few years for her womanhood to fully develop. Even the Prophet Muhammad didn’t consummate his marriage with Aisha until she was in her teens. Several hadith state that while marrying a child (the drawing up of the legal contract) was permissible, she was free to break that bond once she reached the age of consent (puberty) if did not want to consummate the union. And while we know that many women (of all ages and worldwide) stay in marriages they don’t want under duress, the fact that you fail to exercise your rights doesn’t mean that they don’t exist.  NO FORCED MARRIAGES IN ISLAM!! A union made under duress is annulled under Islamic law, as it was never a valid marriage in the first place. Consent is one of the arkan (pillars) for a valid marriage contract. A child cannot give consent and her guardian must wait to seek her consent when she reaches the age of consent.

Secondly, the salafi issue. Look, a lot of good brothers and sisters prescribe to the salafi dawah. They are great people and very sincere in their religion. But there are some people out here who are trying to exploit any opportunity for power. The salafis are a strict, literalist movement who has their roots in the work and writings of Muhammad Ibn Abdul Wahab, who saw himself as following in the footsteps of Shaykh al Islam Ibn Taymiyah, may Allah have mercy on them both. Since being sponsored by the Saudis, the salafi ideology has gained prominence. Its strict and literalist views give comfort and stability to those looking for a genuine and authentic Islamic identity in a world saturated in heedlessness and violence. Where there is great poverty, political instability and attacks on traditional values, there will be the salafis.

They do a lot of great work, but some of the features of the ideology make it easy for the sick and twisted to gain prominence. The one hinted at in this article is that the strictest wins. The more repressive, literalist the practice, the more pious the person. So, by reviving a tradition that made sense 1400 years ago, but doesn’t really serve the needs of today’s Muslims, this “Shaykh” was seeking to prove that he was the most strict and therefore one of the most pious defenders of Islam.

The REAL issue here is this:

In his comments, Mourad Bekkouri, a lawyer from rabat, says that due to “Morocco’s high number of illiterates, the effect of this action among the rural population remains unknown. Parents could marry off their small children should they think that the fatwa is officially binding, although it has not been approved by the Superior Council of ulemas”.

Ignorance.

Ignorance and illiteracy are running rampant through the developing nations and nobody seems to really care. Little girls get sold into brothels and bad marriages to perverts not because some nut job with a website issues a “fatwa” but because families with too many children, little Islamic education, and NO secular education see no real future for their families. They get rid of daughters to guard their honor and to secure what little comfort they can for their children, or perhaps to lighten the load of too many mouths to feed. Morocco. Like many countries in North Africa has a huge youth population, many have little or no education, the few that are lettered have no real prospects. The educated turn to fanaticism out of discontent and boredom. The illiterate turn to radical and repressive regimes in the hopes of a better, more stable life. Nobody wins.

When the population enjoys political stability, access to education and health services, and a stable economy then we see fewer incidences of gross human rights abuses. So, while this guy is obviously a pig, the real bad guys here are the men and women in power who allow an entire generation of young people to stagnate. The bad guys are the powers (that you and I are equally effected by) that perpetuate the divide between the have and the have-nots.

As Muslims the shame is that we have deteriorated to the point where there is no redress for economic disparity. We continue to fail to stand for any sustainable social justice. We fail to understand the mission handed to us to forbid the evil and enjoin the good; to stand for justice and be kind to the weak.; to pray AND work…not just because it creates a better world but because good actions and right intentions have eternal rewards. This is the sunnah of the Prophet pbuh!!!

It got me thinking about how hard hearted we become. How much of the world’s suffering we become immune to. So much so that your neighbor could be hungry or cold and you don’t open your door for them. Allah swta reminds us that nothing we give in charity is ever lost form us. Everything we give away for the sake of Allah is stored for us in heaven, and is increased, like making a deposit in a bank that has a great interest rate. So how can we let others suffer because we are afraid we won’t have enough?

In Islam it is understood that at times another person’s provisions end up in your hands. This is a test for you and the other person. It is a test for you to see if you will give to others what you owe them. It is a test for them to see if they will be patient and trust that Allah will provide. So maybe the casserole you gave to you sick neighbor was for them anyway, and if you had eaten it it would have been a sin and a cause for punishment. We don’t ever think about that, when we give in charity we should give our best because what is for us nobody can ever take from us.

To that end I saw a lecture series by Shaykh Yusef Estes about how we treat each other and i usually don’t like him. His voice is annoying to me and he has a mean sense of humor. But, he made some great points in this series and wanted to share it with you. He talks about taking care of the world around us as well as the people around us. He was really sensitive and simple in his explanation of this subject and that too surprised me.

I NEED to vent here. I am so tired of watching girls in tank tops and shorts parade around in head scarves screaming salam alaykum into cell phones and smearing pounds of lip gloss on their lips. If this is your child please come get her off the damn street before I give her the beating she so desperately needs. As a matter of fact I really should reserve the beating for you…especially her father!!!

I know that kids will be kids and that in the teen years there is certain amount of rebellion but YOUR CHILD is making all the self respecting Muslim women look bad. She looks like a street walker in hijab. Seriously, explain to her that stretch jeans and a baby tee with a scarf on her head is not appropriate. Impress upon her that you have to repect yourself before anybody else will respect her. Inform her that for every non-Muslim eye, she represents Islam. Tell her to wear it right or take it off but this hybrid stuff has got to stop. If you don’t want to observe hijab then don’t!!!

I am currently assembling a task force of women with rulers who will go around spanking every girl caught in public trying to wear a headscarf with an outfit that is obviously inappropriate. We will also be reminding those who are appropriately dressed that loud talking on the cell phone in public is low class and annoying and not the type of behavior we want associated with Islam. STOP IT!!

If you are the sister in tank tops and khimars i BEG you to leave it at home. As a matter of fact if you feel that the hijab is necessary know that you have to wear ALL of it. Go home and ge the rest of your clothes!!! Or just don’t wear it. Trust me, we won;t be mad at you for not wearing it. In fact we would appreciate you not looking like a damn fool. And you do look like a fool. Even non-Muslims say you look stupid.

Now i know I am supposed to make excuses for my sisters and I am reminded that the deen is nasiaha (advice) so here is a refresher course for those who may have forgotten what HIJAB IS.

• no skin tight clothes
• no see through materials
• your chest, stomach, legs to the ankles, your arms to wrist (or mid forearm depending), head AND NECK should be covered
• it should not be ostentatious (meaning no wedding dresses int he supermarkets ladies)
• it MUST BE CLEAN

So now you know. And if you are confused then please feel free to see me. But most importantly PARENTS, keep your teenagers in check or we will check them for you!!!

So, does this make me a failure? I have to constantly redefine what true success is. I have to remind myself that Allah swta says that whatever is for me nobody can take from me and whatever is not for me there is nothing that I can do to achieve it. I have to remind myself that what other people see as a successful marriage and a happy family is not what I want for myself.

There was one incident when a non-Muslim person was commenting on some Iranian friends they had in L.A. This person was saying that they felt socially stupid in many L.A. settings becasue of the values that their families and friends had “crammed” into them. They wanted to be “normal” and they felt that their upbringing and the expectations on them made it impossible. I really had to wonder about her logic. When i person has a child we are obligated to raise them with a set of values that will assist them in life. If you are a person of faith  we can safely assume that the values you would instill in your children would be in line with your faith. If you are a secular humanist then I can  safely assume that you would teach your children those values. Whats wrong with that?

Does the fact that those values do not fall in line with the rest of the society make them wrong or a hindrance in any way? If i teach my children to wait for marriage do I hinder them from having healthy relationships? If she is twenty and never been on a date is she a failure? Am I a failure if I refuse to remove my hijab in order to secure an economic future for my family? Would you be a failure if you left a bachelor party early and didn’t drink?

So I have to wonder what makes success. In my marriage it is the fact that there is love between us all. Everybody feels loved. Its not conventional or even “normal” but we are a loving group of nuts. We can’t have all the legal rights of normal families and having this many people sharing an intimate relationship has its own draw backs and complications. But we are a success. We are a success because we stick it out and we work at it.

As a human being what makes me a success is that I have chosen to live my life fearing none but my Lord and Creator. I do not fear death, it is an inevitable reality. I am not afraid of poverty, Allah swta is the Best of Providers. I do not fear being alone, every person was born alone and will enter the grave alone and stand before Allah swta alone. What makes my life a success is not what i can put on my resume. It is my dignity, my understanding of my worth a a human amongst other humans. My acceptance of my place in the cosmos makes me a success.

I think that when we start thinking about success we should remember death and consider what would bring us comfort and a sense of accomplishment in our last moments. Would I wish I had more money or more love? Would I wish I had made love to more men or that I had made more prayers? Would i regret all the flattery and lies i used my tongue for or would i regret all the prayers and truths that i said?

I am not so different from other people. I want to be a success. I am never satisfied with the level of success I have already achieved. I want comfort and recognition and love…but is this all there is to success? True success come at the END of our life, when we can look back on a race well run and take comfort in the fact that we did our best and held firm to what we knew was right, despite the costs.

Ramadan is coming around the corner and already my house is in a buzz. The best way to describe Ramadan to non-Muslims is 30 days of Christmas. While we fast from dawn till sun dawn, there is no spirit of deprivation. In fact once you get through the first few days, you stop thining about NOT eating all together.

Such physical deprivation leads to a greater spiritual and emotional awareness. The common line we often give the media and non-Muslims (and our children until they are eight) is that fasting helps us to be able to identify more readily with those who have nothing. While this is true in my humble opinion its just a by-product. Fasting, and the whole spirit of Ramadan is about interconnectivity, disciplining the lower self (called the nafs) and realigning ourselves with our Lord. The primary reason why we fast is because we were commanded to do so. Period!!

For our family Ramadan is particularly enjoyable because it gives us another reason to be together as a family, and amongst the Muslims. Its not often that co-wives get to be out and open about their relationship without leaving a nasty taste in other people’s mouth. Religious holidays provide an opportunity to be “out” in a safe environment as one cohesive unit. Too often during the year we find ourselves only coming together behind closed doors. During Ramadan we shop, pray and socialize as one open family.  We introduce each other as “my co-wife” and that feels so good to be open and to hear back from others a surprised but happy “subhanullah” (glory to Allah). During Ramadan, the mosques are always full in the evenings. Our family makes it a point to be there every night for all thirty days, to participate in the iftar (meal breaking the fast) and pray the tarawih prayers (evening prayers where 1/30 of the Quran is recited). When I am on my menses, and cannot pray I mind the children for CW and vice versa.

What a lot of people don’t realize is how much preparation goes into Ramadan. Its not just one night of festivities, its a whole month of food, friends, laughter and prayer. There are huge butcher packages to be ordered in order to feed family and guests, and every home hopes to have guests as often as possible. In my family we cook en mass and bring dishes to the mosque. There are sweets and deserts for the kids, because we want them to fell that this time is festive. There is the abrupt change in schedule, as all of us focus on increasing our acts of worship.

Typically a day in Ramadan goes like this for us.

• the ladies of the house wake early to prepare a pre-dawn meal (suhur) and then we wake the kids to eat and pray with us.
• its off to work or school as usual, whomever is home is charged with preparing the iftar meal
• once we return home we bathe, change clothes, pray together as a family and then head out for the mosque with kids, bags and food in tow
• late in the evening after the food has been eaten, the prayers have been offered we all slink back home, exhausted but happy, in order to get some sleep before we do it all again

I know it doesn’t sound like fun, but its really the best part of the entire year, and we go all out for it. We do a complete spring cleaning to be prepared and organized for guests or whatever. Often we end up giving away things we have accumulated and don’t need. In the month running up to Ramadan we increase our reading of Quran and other spiritually beneficial books. We even decorate the house for Ramadan and for Eid, the holiday that marks the end of the holy month.

The community feeling during Ramadan is like nothing else. We are all trying to uncover and shine up the best in ourselves and so we are likely to see the best in others as well. Many people take this time to put to bed old conflicts and forgive debts. Lots of women begin to wear their hijab/niqab during this time, taking advantage of the heightened spiritual awareness. Muslim Americans in particular take this time to host open houses and to invite non-Muslim friends and family members to partake in the fast and the festivities in order to build bridges. Even amongst Muslims this is a time to learn more about ourselves, and each other. We begin to re-examine what Islam is and how broad our experiences can be within it.

So, as we sit down to figure out what our family is going to do for this coming Ramadan I would like to I can’t help but smile and sing (to the tune of Here Comes Santa Claus) “Here comes Ramadan, Here comes Ramadan1″ in my Unique Muslim American way.

:

As Senator Barack Obama courted voters in Iowa last December, Representative Keith Ellison, the country’s first Muslim congressman, stepped forward eagerly to help.

Mr. Ellison believed that Mr. Obama’s message of unity resonated deeply with American Muslims. He volunteered to speak on Mr. Obama’s behalf at a mosque in Cedar Rapids, one of the nation’s oldest Muslim enclaves. But before the rally could take place, aides to Mr. Obama asked Mr. Ellison to cancel the trip because it might stir controversy. Another aide appeared at Mr. Ellison’s Washington office to explain.

“I will never forget the quote,” Mr. Ellison said, leaning forward in his chair as he recalled the aide’s words. “He said, ‘We have a very tightly wrapped message.’ ”

When Mr. Obama began his presidential campaign, Muslim Americans from California to Virginia responded with enthusiasm, seeing him as a long-awaited champion of civil liberties, religious tolerance and diplomacy in foreign affairs. But more than a year later, many say, he has not returned their embrace.

While the senator has visited churches and synagogues, he has yet to appear at a single mosque. Muslim and Arab-American organizations have tried repeatedly to arrange meetings with Mr. Obama, but officials with those groups say their invitations — unlike those of their Jewish and Christian counterparts — have been ignored. Last week, two Muslim women wearing head scarves were barred by campaign volunteers from appearing behind Mr. Obama at a rally in Detroit.

In interviews, Muslim political and civic leaders said they understood that their support for Mr. Obama could be a problem for him at a time when some Americans are deeply suspicious of Muslims. Yet those leaders nonetheless expressed disappointment and even anger at the distance that Mr. Obama has kept from them.

“This is the ‘hope campaign,’ this is the ‘change campaign,’ ” said Mr. Ellison, Democrat of Minnesota. Muslims are frustrated, he added, that “they have not been fully engaged in it.”

Aides to Mr. Obama denied that he had kept his Muslim supporters at arm’s length. They cited statements in which he had spoken inclusively about American Islam and a radio advertisement he recorded for the recent campaign of Representative Andre Carson, Democrat of Indiana, who this spring became the second Muslim elected to Congress.

In May, Mr. Obama also had a brief, private meeting with the leader of a mosque in Dearborn, Mich., home to the country’s largest concentration of Arab-Americans. And this month, a senior campaign aide met with Arab-American leaders in Dearborn, most of whom are Muslim. (Mr. Obama did not campaign in Michigan before the primary in January because of a party dispute over the calendar.)

“Our campaign has made every attempt to bring together Americans of all races, religions and backgrounds to take on our common challenges,” Ben LaBolt, a campaign spokesman, said in an e-mail message.

Mr. LaBolt added that with religious groups, the campaign had largely taken “an interfaith approach, one that may not have reached every group that wishes to participate but has reached many Muslim Americans.”

The strained relationship between Muslims and Mr. Obama reflects one of the central challenges facing the senator: how to maintain a broad electoral appeal without alienating any of the numerous constituencies he needs to win in November.

After the episode in Detroit last week, Mr. Obama telephoned the two Muslim women to apologize. “I take deepest offense to and will continue to fight against discrimination against people of any religious group or background,” he said in a statement.

Such gestures have fallen short in the eyes of many Muslim leaders, who say the Detroit incident and others illustrate a disconnect between Mr. Obama’s message of unity and his campaign strategy.

“The community feels betrayed,” said Safiya Ghori, the government relations director in the Washington office of the Muslim Public Affairs Council.

Even some of Mr. Obama’s strongest Muslim supporters say they are uncomfortable with the forceful denials he has made in response to rumors that he is secretly a Muslim. (Ten percent of registered voters believe the rumor, according to a poll by the Pew Research Center.)

In an interview with “60 Minutes,” Mr. Obama said the rumors were offensive to American Muslims because they played into “fearmongering.” But on a new section of his Web site, he classifies the claim that he is Muslim as a “smear.”

“A lot of us are waiting for him to say that there’s nothing wrong with being a Muslim, by the way,” Mr. Ellison said.

Mr. Ellison, a first-term congressman, remains arguably the senator’s most important Muslim supporter. He has attended Obama rallies in Minnesota and appears on the campaign’s Web site. But Mr. Ellison said he was also forced to cancel plans to campaign for Mr. Obama in North Carolina after an emissary for the senator told him the state was “too conservative.” Mr. Ellison said he blamed Mr. Obama’s aides — not the candidate himself — for his campaign’s standoffishness.

Despite the complications of wooing Muslim voters, Mr. Obama and his Republican rival, Senator John McCain, may find it risky to ignore this constituency. There are sizable Muslim populations in closely fought states like Florida, Michigan, Ohio and Virginia.

In those states and others, American Muslims have experienced a political awakening in the years since Sept. 11, 2001. Before the attacks, Muslim political leadership in the United States was dominated by well-heeled South Asian and Arab immigrants, whose communities account for a majority of the nation’s Muslims. (Another 20 percent are estimated to be African-American.) The number of American Muslims remains in dispute as the Census Bureau does not collect data on religious orientation; most estimates range from 2.35 million to 6 million.

A coalition of immigrant Muslim groups endorsed George W. Bush in his 2000 campaign, only to find themselves ignored by Bush administration officials as their communities were rocked by the carrying out of the USA Patriot Act, the detention and deportation of Muslim immigrants and other security measures after Sept. 11.

As a result, Muslim organizations began mobilizing supporters across the country to register to vote and run for local offices, and political action committees started tracking registered Muslim voters. The character of Muslim political organizations also began to change.

“We moved away from political leadership primarily by doctors, lawyers and elite professionals to real savvy grass-roots operatives,” said Mahdi Bray, executive director of the Muslim American Society Freedom Foundation, a political group in Washington. “We went back to the base.”

In 2006, the Virginia Muslim Political Action Committee arranged for 53 Muslim cabdrivers to skip their shifts at Dulles International Airport in Northern Virginia to transport voters to the polls for the midterm election. Of an estimated 60,000 registered Muslim voters in the state, 86 percent turned out and voted overwhelmingly for Jim Webb, a Democrat running for the Senate who subsequently won the election, according to data collected by the committee.

The committee’s president, Mukit Hossain, said Muslims in Virginia were drawn to Mr. Obama because of his support for civil liberties and his more diplomatic approach to the Middle East. Mr. Hossain and others said his multicultural image also appealed to immigrant voters.

“This is the son of an immigrant; this is someone with a funny name,” said James Zogby, president of the Arab American Institute, who is a Christian who has campaigned for Mr. Obama at mosques and Arab churches. “There is this excitement that if he can win, they can win, too.”

Yet some Muslim and Arab-American political organizers worry that the campaign’s reluctance to reach out to voters in those communities will eventually turn them off. “If they think that they are voting for a campaign that is trying to distance itself from them, my big fear is that Muslims will sit it out,” Mr. Hossain said.

Throughout the primaries, Muslim groups often failed to persuade Mr. Obama’s campaign to at least send a surrogate to speak to voters at their events, said Ms. Ghori, of the Muslim Public Affairs Council.

Before the Virginia primary in February, some of the nation’s leading Muslim organizations nearly canceled an event at a mosque in Sterling because they could not arrange for representatives from any of the major presidential campaigns to attend. At the last minute, they succeeded in wooing surrogates from the Clinton and Obama campaigns by telling each that the other was planning to attend, Mr. Bray said. (No one from the McCain campaign showed up.)

Frustrations with Mr. Obama deepened the day after he claimed the nomination when he told the American Israel Public Affairs Committee that Jerusalem should be the undivided capital of Israel. (Mr. Obama later clarified his statement, saying Jerusalem’s status would need to be negotiated between Israelis and Palestinians.)

Osama Siblani, the editor and publisher of the weekly Arab American News in Dearborn, said Mr. Obama had “pandered” to the Israeli lobby, while neglecting to meet formally with Arab-American and Muslim leaders. “They’re trying to take the votes without the liabilities,” said Mr. Siblani, who is also president of the Arab American Political Action Committee.

Some Muslim supporters of Mr. Obama seem to ricochet between dejection and optimism. Minha Husaini, a public health consultant in her 30s who is working for the Obama campaign in Philadelphia, lights up like a swooning teenager when she talks about his promise for change.

“He gives me hope,” Ms. Husaini said in an interview last month, shortly before she joined the campaign on a fellowship. But she sighed when the conversation turned to his denials of being Muslim, “as if it’s something bad,” she said.

For Ms. Ghori and other Muslims, Mr. Obama’s hands-off approach is not surprising in a political climate they feel is marred by frequent attacks on their faith.

Among the incidents they cite are a statement by Mr. McCain, in a 2007 interview with Beliefnet.com, that he would prefer a Christian president to a Muslim one; a comment by Senator Hillary Rodham Clinton that Mr. Obama was not Muslim “as far as I know”; and a remark by Representative Steve King, Republican of Iowa, to The Associated Press in March that an Obama victory would be celebrated by terrorists, who would see him as a “savior.”

“All you have to say is Barack Hussein Obama,” said Arsalan Iftikhar, a human rights lawyer and contributing editor at Islamica Magazine. “You don’t even have to say ‘Muslim.’ ”

As a consequence, many Muslims have kept their support for Mr. Obama quiet. Any visible show of allegiance could be used by his opponents to incite fear, further the false rumors about his faith and “bin-Laden him,” Mr. Bray said.

“The joke within the national Muslim organizations,” Ms. Ghori said, “is that we should endorse the person we don’t want to win.”

Due to some changes in her situation she has had to leave me to stand on my own two feet, so I will be doing my writing and my posting more independently now. Please bear with me while I make some adjustments. But I wanted everybody to know that she was the Sister behind the scenes and to thank her for her support and her courage.

I wrestled with myself for a long time about whether or not to write this post. I don’t want to out her on the internet. I know many people who feel like this subject shouldn’t be spoken of by religious people unless its in terms of a strict condemnation of homosexuality and homosexuals. I am finding that I can’t be as cut and dry as that.

This is a sister who has braided my hair, prayed by my side, borrowed money from me and been a good friend. She has proven herself to be a person worthy of love and very lovable. I can say that I honestly love her and want what is best for her. I can say that her revelation has not made me trust or love her any less.

It was very obvious to me how hard it has been for her to divulge her secret to me. The fear of what I would do and who I would tell and how it would affect her family was raw and heart breaking. She is in love, again, she told me. And this time she is not ready to swallow her feelings and stay with her husband…she says. But is she ready to leave?

In my mind I know what to tell her. I tell her that marriage, children and family is the natural order of things. I tell her that if she prays and has faith that Allah will help her with this issue. I tell her that whether she is in love with a man or a woman to cheat on her husband is a sin, a breach of her wedding contract. A thing punishable under shariah. I know what to tell her, but I don’t know how to answer the questions she has made herself vulnerable to ask me.

She wants to know if Allah swta can still love her. She wants to know if this is some great weakness in her faith or if its possible that she was really born this way. She wants to know if living her life in love with a woman takes her outside the fold of Islam. She wants me to tell her that if ever her secret should come out, and cause public scandal, that I will not abandon her. She wants to know I will still be her friend and braid her hair, and lend her money and pray with her and love her if she is open about who she takes to bed at night.

What do I say to her? I know what I am expected to do. I am expected to tell her she is a deviant and confused woman who should not be allowed around my children and who should keep her vile inclinations to herself. Honestly, all I feel is sisterly comradery and love for her and admiration for her bravery. I can’t tell her what to do with her marriage. I can’t tell her how or if to tell her family. I can only put my head in her lap and thread my fingers through hers and tell her how much I love her and promise her we will find answers together.

For those of you who are not aware of how marriages are formed in a traditional Islamic setting, the parents of the potential brides and grooms cast a net over all of their social contacts in order to cull as many potential matches a s possible. After the families have been vetted, those who meet family criteria are brought in one at a time to meet and greet and to see if there is any chemistry. If the bride and groom like each other then an egagement is made. In most cases this usually lasts about a year, during which time the two families grow closer, and the engaged couple get to know each other in appropriate (chaperoned) settings. It is known to the public that this boy and this girl are intended to be married and in many cases (particularly if the person you are going to marry is your cousin or your father’s business partner’s son) the marriage is a forgone conclusion. eventually the happy couple marries, usually with much fan fare, and live happily ever after!! JOKE!!!

So where does the racism come into play? Lets go back to the beginning. The families have come up with a set of criteria for what type of potential spouse is acceptable. They may include things like education, age, religious inclination etc. But, in the Western experience we must ask ourself what importance, if any, do we give to race/ethnicity.

Has anybody read any Muslim (particularly south asian) personals lately? they read like this:

Seeking educated fair skinned Punjabi for similar son. Please include photo and personal detail.

What’s funny is that the things that are most important are completely overlooked. Typically, immigrant families want thier children, particularly their daughters, to marry within the same ethnic group. In some cases spouses are found from “back home” and marriages are made with little or no contact between bride and groom before the wedding day. They site potential “culture clashes” as the reason why they do not accept proposals from suitors outside of their own ethnic group, but come on people… Little Shabnam grew up in NEW JERSEY!!! What could she possibly have in common with her cousin Ahmed from Peshawar?

In reality, these parents are afraid and they are carrying over many prejudices they learned along the way into one of the most important roles they have as parents. Helping our children find suitable spouses is an amaanah, a trust from Allah swta. So lets examine a few thins here.

• Most of what immigrants know about other ethnicities they learned on TV. As a woman of African descent I can tell you nothing is more challenging than trying to explain institutional racism to a middle aged Pakistani woman. Whats more frustrating is that many immigrants seem to have no concept of the pathologies they suffer from due to their history with imperialism and colonization.
• Most immigrants think converts are tainted meat. As it was explained to me, we have no family, no history and our pasts are a mystery. So, while they are ecstatic over our conversion and our dedication to Islam, we are not appropriate marriage partners. So sorry!
• Many immigrant families expect children to conform to the norms they brought with them. As a hyphenated American i can understand the pull to have one foot in two or three different homes. But, as I had to explain to my mother…if you wanted your children to grow up to be good Pakistanis you should have raised them in Pakistan. If you wanted them to be good Palestinians then raise them in Palestine. If you want them to be good Muslims and good people then you can raise them anywhere and they can embrace the traditions and ideas of that culture that do not go against the morals and ethics of Islam.

On the other side of this argument is the issue many converted Muslims have about “authenticity”. I have heard many Muslim men say in no uncertain terms that they would not accept an American bride because he feels western women are incapable of embracing the “ideal” of the proper Muslim wife. I suppose they feel the proper Muslim wofe is a domestic dynamo, who pulls four course meals out of her behind, keeps her children happy and smelling like roses and still has enough energy to make hot sweaty passionate love at the end (and perhaps again at the beginning) of every day. She manges to make all of her salat perfectly, on time and with impecable tajweed, is a humble and devoted student and hangs on his every husbandly edict. She never fights him, disrespects him or asks for expensive things. She doesn’t work and manages to make every dollar stretch to the end of its elasticity.  Her children are pious, she is never petty and her breath never stinks. She never breaks wind and entertains guests with the grace of Shaharazad.

No American woman could possibly compare….

So these brothers run after foreign born brides. They reinforce the idea that African American, Hispanic and Anglo American women are not as worthy, and not as lovable. After slamming into the impenetrable force of ethnocentricity and suspicion that these immigrant families use to protect their precious pearls, they hark upon a better idea! Lets go overseas and bring a bride back!! So they all go to Morocco or Egypt and find a bride from a “pious family” who is more than willing to send their daughter back to the land of milk and honey with this kind man who has gifted us with his passport and a green card.

Fellow blogger Umar Lee, has responded beautifully to this phenomenon, citing several failed marriages. The wife, uneducated, petty has entered into this marriage of convenience to procure a better standard of living for herself and her family at home. While many husbands eventually want companionship and intellectual stimulation from a wife (after the sex of course) many of these women expect to be left alone after they have completed their primary functions (sex and housekeeping). In fact in many traditional societies a woman’s closest relation is not her husband but the other women in the family (sister-in-law, cousin, etc). More than that, because the epectation that the wife would be the domestic goddess Allah swta has obviously created all women to be (JOKE) the foreign bride has not had a chance to expand her horizons, pursue higher education or engage in any sort of intellectual stimulation whatsoever. Her horizons don’t go far beyond daytime TV and the gossip from her neighbors.

I am just griping…maybe….but the whole thing stinks to high heaven and leaves a foul taste in the mouths of many women.

Azzizah, weighed in on the subject from an intellectual perspective and really asked us to question our own ideas about race, status, ethnicity and love.

For me, i am forced to recall the incident that happened with one of the companions of the Prophet who was known for his fiery disposition. A man was passing his home and heard his wife giving him the tongue lashing of a lifetime. The passerby questioned why he would allow his wife to talk to him that way. The companion remarked that this is the woman who is mother to his children and takes care of his  home, can’t he put up with this little bit of trouble? I wish more men had this idea.

Women suffer from a lot of pathologies all over the world. Everything from the western consumerism and love of instant gratification to the shame or FGM and rape plague women all over the world. The Prophet said that good spouses were like camels, in 100 you will not find even one that is suitable to ride. meaning, that if we go looking for faults we will find them. If we go looking for perfection we will never find it. So instead we must find those qualities that will help us make it to the end of our journey and we put up with the rest of it.

For those of us who have pure intention we are looking for a mate who is striving to fear Allah in all of their doings. They are wiling to love us even when we are unlovable and dedicated to making it to the end of this journey hand in hand (in hand) . So when I see so many women being passed over because she has dark skin or because she was Born in Lebanon PA, in stead of Lebanon, I am very hurt and concerned. Marriage is risky business and for Muslims even more so….